Noisy Neighbours
by CursedKitetsu
Summary: Zosan. The two things that can give Sanji insomnia just moved in to the floor above: a noisy kid, and a hot policeman.
1. Chapter 1

**Based on this prompt: _"look I'm glad you have a healthy sex life and all but will you please try not to pierce a hole through my ceiling with your bed thanks"_**

* * *

Sanji's had it. He's got to wake up early godammit. Fucking neighbours have been humping like rabbits all night, every single night since they've moved 2 weeks ago. First time he laughed "oh, looks like the new neighbours are on honeymoon". Fourth day was impressive - FUCKING 2 WEEKS… He doesn't care any more, it's fucking 1 AM and they are about to pierce his ceiling with their bed. That's it.

He didn't even bother changing his pyjamas; he dragged his body dressed in blue spiral print, with eye bags deep enough to make him look like he's been on a fight with the Sandman - not the Neil Gaiman Sandman, but the most badass one, the Rise of the Guardians Sandman. He climbed the stairs mumbling obscenities and knocked their door with contained anger.

"Yes?" A deep voice answered.

"Look here, I'm your neighbour from 302. I got that you and your girlfriend are having a nice time, but I gotta sleep, you fuckers. Fucking literal fuckers, I must add. Just do it in the mornings or whatever, but let me fucking sleep. I'm fucking tired. Two weeks godammit. So please, please tone down, would you?"

Breathes.

Ok, now he's feeling better.

"Agh, ok, just…" The annoyed guy took a deep breath, scratched the back of his head and screamed on the top of his lungs "LUFFY!"

Now that Sanji had some time to look at him, damn he looked angry. His hair is weird. His jaw though... _Did god descend from heaven and hand craft it? Wait, what? He's compromised, Sanji, stop. Fuck he's strong. Fucking fuck, looks like his muscles were shaped to perfection, probably a pact with Satan - forget god, there's nothing holy about him, it's pure sin, bad bad terribly naughty perfection straight from hell. Yes, it was Satan's doing._

"Luffy, I fucking told you to stop jumping on your bed, you idiot"

 _Oh. He's gay. That's a man. He was humping a man. He's gay._

"Oh, sorry, Zoro"

 _Sanji is definitely not gay. He's half straight. Yup. He's a proud half heterosexual. Nothing gay on this._

 _Ok._

 _50% gay. But nobody needs to know that. Also, that man had a partner already, obviously._

"Hey, sorry about that."

 _Sanji could outdo that skinny thing though. But he's not gay so he won't do it. He could test though._

"Hey?"

 _Yup, he'd definitely win. Luckily he's not gay. Nope. Not gay at all. Just a bit, but not much. Obviously. He is a ladies man! Not gay._

"Hey!"

"I'M HALF HETEROSEXUAL, GODAMMIT!"

 _Shit._

As his blood travelled at the speed of light to his cheeks he finally realised that his thoughts were so loud he ended up screaming in an attempt to outdo them. Well, it worked.

"What?" The ex-annoyed and now confused green haired man looked at him with a nervous smirk. _Welp. Time to go to bed._

"Well… G-good night!" Sanji left without looking back, race-walking so fast he'd probably be a gold medallist were this the Olympiads. It wasn't though. Doesn't matter. He's going to sleep, and pretend this never happened; he was too sleepy for this shit anyway.

* * *

Back there, and still by the door, the skinny boy and the green haired guy looked at each other equally confused.

"Zoro, what is a heterosexual?"

"It's a mythical creature that likes to eat loud kids for breakfast. They are very rare and dangerous. Take care, Luffy, you better not jump on your bed any more" Zoro looked dead serious.

"Woah. So one of this guy's parents is a full heterosexual?"

"Yes. Poor kid. Must've had a terrible childhood"

"Zoro, do heterosexuals poop?"

"It's a mystery." The wide eyed kid looked so impressed, Zoro wouldn't dare to laugh. He waved goodnight to his young flatmate and laughed himself to sleep after what became a very amusing day.

* * *

Notes: Hello, so I'm trying to start writing, please know that English is not my first language, so if you find any errors please tell me. Also you can always tell me what you think or even what do you expect/want to happen, I may consider it or any other prompts. That said, I'm in the middle of writing my thesis for college, writing fics is going to be my coping mechanism, so I won't be really fast, I'll try not to take too long though.


	2. Chapter 2

When Sanji arrived home, he faceplanted on the bed and instantly fell asleep, probably thanks to the embarrassment of the past night. Upon waking up, half his body was out of the bed and he felt as if he had been run over by a truck after a night of excessive drinking - which was terrible since he didn't get drunk at all, just hung over, _why is life so unfair?_ He did not have the energy nor the will to think about it (you know... _it_ ), so he just kept his morning routine and left to work, distracting himself from his thoughts with anything that could help. Work was perfect for this; nothing could distract him better than arguing with the other cooks. It worked for quite a while, only until his long-time friend and new employee decided to invite a friend for lunch. And, oh shit, why…

"Oh! It's the half heterodactyle guy!" blurted the kid.

Oh, now he remembers last night, all right. He remembers everything. Why the hell does he remember everything? Gah.

"Hetero-what? Anyway, Sanji, this is Luffy, he's a good friend of mine, I told you about him yesterday, remember? So, Luffy, this is Sanji, he's the chef of this restaurant, you're going to love his food." Said the happy long nosed guy Sanji wanted so bad to punch even though there was no way he knew about it.

"He's the half heteropiterus dude from my building. We met last night. Zoro said he had a sad childhood." Sanji didn't really know what to think. The kid sure was dumb, but god bless his ignorance.

"Ok, we started with the wrong foot last night. Hello, my name is Sanji and I am HUMAN." Sanji forced a smile and tried to calm down. It's ok, it's ok, the kid is dumb, it's all going to be ok.

"Do you poop?"

"Are you even listening to me?"

"This morning Zoro said heteromantiles have curly scales and that's why your brow is weird. You don't cook people do you?"

"If you don't shut up I might consider dong it"

"Ok, Ok. I'm quiet. Bring the food!" Jesus Christ can this kid get louder. And oh my, can this kid eat more? He better be rich. "Hey, Sanji, since we are neighbours you could do some cooking for us, ya know? Since you came to our home last night and all. That was rude!"

"Are you fucking kidding me? You were the one making noises at 1 AM, FOR TWO WEEKS!"

"But it was SpongeBob time!"

"Fucking SpongeBob at 1 AM?!"

"They make a SpongeBob marathon after midnight! And I love the song! There's a pirate singing it!"

"How old are you?"

"I'm 19"

"Don't you mean 7?"

"I'm not good with math, but I'm pretty sure I'm 19." That's it, Sanji's had it. His palm hasn't left his face since he's met that child. And it was with the palm on his face that he climbed the stairs to the 4th floor and entered the kid's apartment to cook him some meat. How did this happen? His life is a mess.

"Say, Luffy, what do you do?"

"I just got a job as a fire-fighter. Going to start in 1 month, after the training."

"Oh, and your friend?"

"Zoro? Zoro is a policeman. We decided to share an apartment because it's cheaper and gramps said I shouldn't live alone. Zoro is a cool guy, you'll like him, he knows everything about heteroptalians."

"Would you please forget about the hetero thing?"

"Oh, Zoro! Look, the heterolamophus guy is cooking for us!" There goes his blood rushing to his face again. _Oh god, uniform. Nope no no no. The lord is testing him. Play dead, Sanji, play dead._

"It's only half-heterolamophus, Luffy. And what is he doing here?"

As Zoro took down his coat and stared at the two at the kitchen; all Sanji could think was _'Oh, is the guy stripping? I'm fucked. Or worse, not fucked at all, that's my problem, I'm fucking not fucked. What the hell am I thinking? Oh fuck' Ok, that's it._

"I'm cooking you uncultured mossbrain, can't you tell?!"

"Don't get stressed, curly monster"

"What is it, grass head?"

"What, wanna fight, funny brow?"

"What did you say shitty marimo?"

"Luffy, don't eat that!" the two looked at the young boy and decided it's better to keep an eye on Luffy, they can fight latter. Zoro settled down by the counter and quietly observed Sanji cooking.

"So, why are you cooking here, again?"

"Do I even know?"

"Gotta love this kid" chuckled the not-so-grumpy-looking-after-all green haired man. Sanji managed to finish the meal in comfortable silence while Luffy and Zoro snacked pieces of fruits that he'd cut for them.

"So, you're a cook?"

"Chef"

"HETERONOSAURUS!"

"Half, Luffy"

"Hey! Would you two stop? I was sleepy back then ok, give me a break, please."

"No but, what's with 'half-heterosexual' though? Ever heard of bisexuality?"

"I'm not gay, you dumbass! I'm perfectly straight!"

"There isn't such a thing as half straight. Repeat after me: bi-se-xu-al"

"Just shut up and eat"

"Just trying to help, bud. It's the 21st century, chill"

"Chill? Are you gay then?"

"Nah."

The meal, led by a full-mouthed Luffy, an observant Zoro and a dispersed Sanji, ended with an awkward silence broken by two weak goodbyes and an enthusiastic one.

 _So he's not gay huh. Of course, Sanji, look at him. He's probably the most butch dude you've ever met. Not that he's interested. Not at all. Just half. Half interested. Yup, he's not gay, after all. Forget it, he has to focus on sleeping right now, and after that uniform thing it sure is going to be hard._ Laughing at his own involuntary pun, Sanji went to bed, and no, it wasn't easy to sleep. At all.

* * *

When he rested his head on the pillow, Zoro had an uncomfortable feeling. _Oh shit, not this again. It's been, what, 3 years since last time? It was "it" wasn't it? That thing. Agh, yup, it was it. For the cook, really? That's ok, he can just wave it off, just like he did last time, no big deal. But it sure is irritating, this attraction thingy. Well, off to sleep and stop thinking about it._


	3. Chapter 3

Sun is up, so is Zoro - today he takes the morning shift, which means nothing is really going to happen except maybe some old ladies who tend to pickpocket at the local marketplace. Why is this a thing even? Last one he caught told him she was tired of trying to get her adrenaline rush from knitting a too ambitious sweater design. He bought her a jenga; met her again because the neighbours complained about the noise – such a troublemaker, this Miriam...

Arriving home, two pickpockets less on the streets, also minus 30 bucks gone on board games, and again that smell of heaven - the curly brow is cooking.

"You just can't say no to Luffy, can you?"

The cook looked at him a little surprised, red all over his face. His skin is so light, so delicate – seems soft, probably hot from all the blood flow either; would his cold hands leave marks if he touches it? _Oh shit, that again…_

"I did, but have you ever tried?" Answered the now more composed blond, who seemed a little tired. Probably Luffy's fault.

"Oh god, have I?" Upon sitting on the counter and taking a quick look around, he noticed something really odd… Silence. "Where is he, by the way?"

"His grandfather called and he flew. He said I should leave his food so he can eat later"

"Oh, his grandfather is a very amusing man."

"I can only imagine, with a brat like that"

"Honoured veteran, has too many dogs, acts like a narcoleptic Luffy and gives jobs to random punks he finds on the street just to give his superiors a headache. You're going to love him."

"I bet" Chuckled the cook. Zoro liked this, the smile thing, it's like the yellow of his hair had gotten brighter for a few seconds. What an interesting cook.

* * *

 _'Sounds like the old man'_ Sanji thought but couldn't manage to open his mouth to say it. _Except rather than a narcoleptic Luffy, his old man was more like Sanji himself - except old; not that he's going to be like that when he ages. He is though, who is he kidding._ Sanji was still a little awkward for trying to recover from the initial shock of having an actual policeman right behind him, observing his every move with his policeman eyes, in that policeman uniform, with policeman badges, and policeman pants and probably a policeman underwear. Fuck cops.

"So you have a problem with authorities?"

Fuck, mind reading?

"W-what do you mean?"

"Been staring at my clothes since I arrived. Do you have any drugs? Huh, curly brow?"

"Fuck off, you dipshit. Only drugs I take are nicotine and caffeine, which happen to be perfectly legal." ' _And I smoked pot once when I was 16 trying to impress that girl Laila. She had blue hair and all'_ mentally pointed the chef. _Shit, can he smell old pot? Can he know it? Do cops have a cop radar? A cop time travelling radar that could find people's dark secrets? Wait, what…_

"I'm watching you, dartboard brow"

"You want to fight, mosshead?"

"As if you could take me, shitty cook"

"I can take your ass any time, shitty marimo"

"What?"

"What?"

Silence again. Zoro wisely decided to ignore their previous dialogue and focus on eating the food as soon as it was ready. Sanji, also wisely ignoring everything he has ever said since his first year in high school, tried to break the ice with the first thing that came to his mind.

"So, do you have a girlfriend? Since you're straight and all"

"I'm not straight"

"But you said you were!"

"No I didn't, I said I wasn't gay."

"So…"

"I can see why you thought half-heterosexual was an appropriate term then"

"Fuck off"

"I'm Ace"

"Ace?"

"Ace from 'asexual', dumbass"

"Oh. Fuck my life then."

"What?"

"What?"

"You know Ace is an umbrella term"

"You really are surprising me with your higher vocabulary, moss head. What do you mean 'umbrella'"

"It means there are different types of Ace in the asexual spectrum. Shithead"

"Different how?"

"Different like from 'what the fuck is sexual attraction' ace to 'what the fuck is that thing that doesn't use to happen at all but did just now' ace. Ace, demi, grey. For example, Luffy is a 'what is a sex and can I eat it?' ace"

"And you are…"

"I'm a 'if you win the sexual attraction bingo, put some effort and give me cake then I might start liking you' ace."

"Oh." As his elbow slid from the counter, and at the same time he tried not to fall, Sanji, in his mind, started to thank all deities he's ever heard about: Jesus, Mary, Buddha, Zeus, Michael Fassbender, Ra, Satan… _Is Satan a deity? Fuck that, thank you, Satan, you too. But wait, he has to win at bingo yet, right? Where is that bingo thing? How does he subscribe? Why bingo? Why not a less elderly metaphor? What should he do now? Be smooth? Can he be smooth? How to smooth? What is life? Is god really dead?_ "So… how are you doing?"

"Shut up"

"Ok. And fuck you!" _Has a terrible personality this cop. Nice body though. And probably a pair of handcuffs, that's a plus._

* * *

' _Well, even if nothing happens, just fooling with the cook will be fun enough.'_

"Want to go for a date?"


	4. Chapter 4

At this point Zoro didn't know if he made the right decision; mostly because he had a very technical problem – he never dated before. Never. Adding this to his absolute lack of patience for romantic movies, he knew nothing about the subject besides the noun - _Date_. Well fuck. Another bad decision ensued when he thought it was a good idea to ask for help and, only a couple of minutes later, was already on the brink of regret.

"So you're telling me that you are going on a date?" Asked, for the 17th time, the freckled man, with something around 8 nuggets stuffed inside his mouth, somehow still managing to talk more articulately than Zoro ever could back when he was a junior in high school.

Sitting at the table with Zoro were Luffy and his brothers - Ace, the freckled guy, and Sabo, who Zoro likes to refer as 'the one that has a brain'. The three brothers were busy eating and trying to process the idea that their hella ace friend is going on a date with some weird dinosaur dude… at least that's what Luffy told them. _Hetero… heterodissaurus_ or something…

"I swear if you make this question one more time I'll punch you so hard your freckles will fall from your face"

"You do realize that makes no sense, right?" Pointed out Sabo.

"What? Punching the freckles out or me going out on a date?"

"Both."

"Ok, listen, I thought it was a funny idea. He's…cute?" Pause for chocking and loud gasps "I swear I'll kill you all. Where do I take him?".

"You should take us to a restaurant!" Said Luffy beating his brother's past record of 14 nuggets in his mouth with astounding 18 and ¼.

"Us? No, Luffy, you won't go"

"So what's the point then?"

"I'd be angry with you if it wasn't for the fact that I really don't know the point," Zoro, at this point, was becoming exasperated. Should he back out? Say 'joking, joking'? He liked the idea if spending an entire day trying to see how many times he could make the cook blush, but he didn't know how to date. Restaurants are out of question since Sanji works in one; Movies are out as well since Zoro only goes there to watch films, _goddammit_ , he hates people who talk or start a making out session during the film so, to honour his principles, no cinema for them. _Maybe a picnic? Ugh._

"Ok, listen, the point is to bond. To know him. So, what do you... know about him?" Asked Sabo, who at this point gave up trying to protect his food from his two permanently starving brothers.

"So I have to know him so I can know him? What kind of job requirement bullshit is this?"

"Ok, ok. Is he a fancy guy or a chill guy?" This time Ace, finally out of nuggets, tried to help.

"Both…?"

"Well, damn Zoro, you have to know something... You know, I'm curious, why this interest if you don't know anything about him?"

"I literally don't know. Look, I'm new to this, you're not the only ones confused."

"Well, do you want us to give you commands through a hidden device like in films? It sounds fun!" Joked Ace… or did he?

"No!"

"Hey, Zoro, you can take him to the zoo! Do they have heterominaclesus in zoos? Maybe you'd meet his parents, it'd be nice." You could practically see the little lamp above Luffy's head – so pure Sabo couldn't help but to pat his cute little brother's messy hair. Zoro normally would give up and smile, the boy was like his little brother too after all, but at this point, he was one second away from giving up.

This when he thought… _Why not?_

* * *

Sanji was nervous. Very nervous. He was considering putting his entire wardrobe on fire at this point – I mean, why have clothes if they are useless! _Useless!_ Bunch of fabric that won't make him magically really attractive, _like, attractive enough not to be the skinny blond that is too boring to walk with that one hot tanned dude_. Because that's how he felt right now. Sanji was the type to hide self-consciousness with expensive clothes and a confident posture. Right now he felt 14 all over again. He was so nervous he could feel the imaginary braces mutilating his lips, and the pimples taking over his face, and the stutter coming out of his mouth - just like it was the first time he confessed. He actually had tried to cancel the whole thing about 3 times but didn't manage to talk properly on the phone.

He settled with something 'casual chic' or whatever that one magazine meant by that, _look up on google_. He probably used too much cologne though. Anyway, Sanji was ready, outside at least; that's when he heard his doorbell and he became un-ready all over again.

It was, obviously, Zoro, with probably the least flattering clothes known to men - an AC/DC hoodie and fucking cargo pants; he felt like deleting his neighbour right then and there. He was holding a few shopping bags… _What kind of fashion is this?_

"So, ready?" Asked the green haired man by the door.

Sanji was too distracted with the cargo pants when he realized he was probably staring for quite a while by now. He managed to say 'yes' and tried to remember how hot Zoro was with pyjamas; he should've had come with pyjamas.

"So, good, I bought some stuff. We're cooking together"

 _Wait a minute…_

"What?"

"I decided the date should be here."

"You decided what, you little shit?"

"Shut up, stupid blond, date is for knowing people right? I know nothing about you so if you want to do this, then step aside and lead me to the kitchen"

"Well, fuck. And fuck you. And ok. Fuckface."

Well, talk about feeling underwhelmed. Still, he was feeling better now; obviously more comfortable. He watched as the other man settled the ingredients by the counter, _those pants were definitely not flattering – his face was still beautiful tough_. He got lost watching the movement of the three earrings dangling over a strong neck, when he heard a voice calling for him, and for a moment he thought it finally was God, or Satan – it wasn't.

"Well, let me warn you I can't cook. I didn't think this through, to be honest, but a friend of mine told me there was no other way to get closer to someone than to cook a meal together. I thought we could bake a cake. Is that ok with you?" Zoro didn't mention that his friend was a 76 year old criminal, but he certainly believed she had more experience than him. Sanji was a cook after all, he would probably understand better than Zoro could.

As for Sanji, he did understand it very well. And for that moment he completely forgot about the _goddamn cargo pants_. Was the green cargo-wearing ogre actually a really sweet damn handsome guy? That was really thoughtful. Before he could respond, Zoro continued.

"You know, I've never done this thing before," he wasn't looking at Sanji, or he couldn't. Sanji didn't know, but Zoro had as many butterflies in his stomach as the chef just then. "This dating thing."

"Never?"

"Nope. Never felt like acting upon a crush or something."

Well, if Sanji wasn't red before he was now.

"Am I your first crush?"

"God, no. Well, honestly, my first crush was Jackie Chan"

"Are you serious now?"

"Maybe my standards went down, I don't know"

"Fucking asshole." The chef threw a kick into Zoro's face, to his surprise he was stopped – to Zoro's surprise he almost wasn't. _This date thing started to get fun._

During the first minutes it was just Sanji teaching Zoro how to bake a cake, with some snarky comments here and there and a lot of flour everywhere; soon enough it was in the oven and the two could sit and finally do the meeting thing. Zoro was carefully analysing the room – in this case, it was the living room. He could already tell Sanji was very neat, and that he liked the sea – and he had no videogames. _Did he just spot a Celine Dion album?_ The two of them chit-chatted about little things, about their jobs, and some amusing people in their lives; yet, things didn't take too long to become awkward.

"So… Jackie Chan huh"

"Oh, yeah, he's quite badass though, and he's funny too. The full package in my opinion."

"And you never been with anyone before?"

"Nope"

"And how… how is that for you?"

"What kind of therapy talk… Let's see… I like your skin. Not 'Buffalo Bill' style, but, it's soft and it probably feels nice? And your eyes are beautiful too. I like how you always cook for Luffy even though I know he's not an easy person to deal with. I like your legs. And you seem to know how to fight either. I like your foul mouth. And the way you stutter sometimes. And I like how red you get when you're embarrassed. I like how your hair moves with the lightest actions. And how I can see all the veins of your hands. I thought it would be interesting to be here right now. But I must say I have no idea what to do in this moment."

Right then, in those seconds, Sanji heard the cheesiest and most ridiculous things he has ever heard, coming from the lips of his asexual neighbour, who so far he only thought of as a very nice body, whose only crush has been Jackie Chan – and it was the most beautiful and sincere thing that he never managed to dream of. He was doomed.

"I swear to any god you want, I really really want to kiss the hell out of you right now." He really did. Zoro looked slightly surprised. I his head, since he had no idea how to do dates or things related, the only thing he could do was to be honest. He didn't have any technique, no pick-up lines – he couldn't even think of any ideas, any plans of what move to do next. He wasn't built to think this way. He wasn't going to copy that one film he once watched on tv late night. He was Zoro, he was lost as he's ever been; and damn that was a lot lost. Really lost. But, fuck it. Be honest.

"You can do it, you know," and at that point their bodies got all sort of crazy – cold in the stomach, but hot in the face and hands, it was as if it stopped working out of sheer anxiety "Or do you want me to do it?"

 _Fuck_

Sanji took too long to react; he was gaping. Zoro saw this as an opportunity to fool around with the cook. He got closer, and closer. Sanji only managed to think when he felt the hot breath over his ear and he noticed the couch plunging around him with the weight of another body – he then proceeded to stop functioning again, as one probably should.

"You know," whispered the green haired man "I don't know what I'm supposed to do or what rules to follow, but I know what I want to do. Do you want me to tell you about it?"

"Oh fuck"

Zoro took it was a yes.

"What I feel like doing right now," kept whispering the man "is to kiss the exposed veins of your neck and watch your blue eyes turn black as I proceed to travel lower and lower. I want to touch your stomach under this fancy shirt you're wearing, and make you flinch with the cold of my hands against your once comfortably warm skin. I want to explore you slowly and lightly, paying attention at every single reaction you have, finding out what I can use against you at my will. I want to gently play with your hair at the same time I leave marks on the thin surface of your body. I want to memorise the length of your legs by touch. And I want to hear your voice wavering through every single move I make. Is that ok with you?"

Sanji was in another realm at that point. And was dragged back with a beep.

"Oh, the cake is ready" The couch suddenly got straighter, as Sanji got a little gayer than the 50% he claimed before – but Zoro's face changed from 666_Satan to 'I'm an angel of the lord' in less than one second. Sanji still can't beat cake. But he sure is getting his vengeance next date. Because boy, next time it'll be his.

* * *

 **Notes:** Eeey, sorry for taking so long - had a very busy week. So, I'm really nervous about this one. Mostly because I'm aro/ace af, so I don't know if it's too cheesy (it probably is) or not enough or too awkward, etc. I did have to stop writing a few times because I was getting embarrassed though. Anyway, I hope it's not disappointing. I'm still very busy now, but I'll try to update the other one as soon as possible. Please give me some feedback and, again, tell me if you spot any errors. Thank you


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